Unedited pretentious ramblings about the struggles of making art

I really just want to watch Steven Universe and I’m so confused about so many things and I’m scared and embarrassed and lonely and insecure. I don’t know who I am, who I am supposed to be, who I am to the people around me that I care so much about yet cannot express to them. I do not know how to kick my ass into gear and actually get some stuff done instead of just sitting and thinking about how I have to do it and the best way to do it. The Elizabethan Hamlet-esque conflict of action vs. inaction, cerebral vs. instinctive, spiritual vs. intellectual is too relatable in the life of a 21st century millennial Asian girl college student.

I long so desperately to create something meaningful, impactful, but most of all true. I long so deeply within me to evoke emotions and ideas and experiences in the humans around me who see my work. I long so desperately to look back on my life and see that I have created beautiful art that means something, impacts people in some way. Yet I do not know where to start. Grand images and scenes and stages play out in my mind in a way that is extremely clear to me, but I do not know how to translate it from my mind to physical space.

I know beauty, I know suffering, I know pain, I know curiosity, I know excitement, I know passion, I know obsession. But I do not know how to express it through words or music or dance or painting or space or structures or lighting, in a way that does it justice.

I long so desperately to make beautiful and important art. But I am so afraid of being bad at making art that I do not even try to make anything.

I think the answer is making ugly art. I need to make as much ugly art as possible and let that teach me how to make beautiful art. For there is beauty in ugliness and quality in quantity and one only refines one’s skills through practice. I must strive to make beautiful art but accept the ugliness that I will make, and trust that hopefully I will someday be able to make beautiful and true art.

As you have probably inferred, I am a fan of polysyndeton – and Ira Glass.

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