Tonight I imagined what it would be like to die. It certainly is not a new or unfamiliar thought, but as the scenarios played out in my mind, two things stood out to me. My laptop and phone were both password-protected and on my person.

If I were to die tonight, to disappear into the void, to be found lifeless behind a dumpster or tossed into a lake, I would grieve not for myself, but for all the things that I never finished. There would be so much wasted potential. So many words unspoken and unread, songs unsung, art unfinished, dances unchoreographed. No one would ever see my writing, the writing that sometimes is the only thing that makes me feel better and that I treasure in a little folder on my computer that no one else’s eyes have seen. In these writings I have captured vignettes of my life that explode in brazen nakedness. They mean more to me than the world and I could not leave this earth without properly sharing them.

One year ago, I thought about dying every day. I could see no reason to carry on in life, no hope for my or this planet’s future. And the question plagued me for months – what makes a person excited to live life? What reasons do I have to live? And ultimately it came down to one answer: there are so many amazing Broadway shows that I still have to see. It started with just that – my unfinished business of seeing all the amazing art that real human beings were creating.

And tonight I realized that my answer has grown, evolved, matured, ripened into one beautiful, life-giving statement of purpose and being and existence: there is so much art to see, taste, and experience; so much of humanity to explore; and so much amazing art that I still have to create.


this is an informal blog

Hi. I don’t really have anything to say this week. But I committed to doing a blog post every week, so here I am, doing a blog post.

I know that a lot of people who have personal blogs like this write pretty polished blog posts. They’re usually writing to get a point across and they convey it clearly and concisely.

Well, I don’t. Heh heh heh.

I don’t really enjoy writing super opinionated, argument-driven blog posts because I consider my blog to be more of a form of self-expression rather than self-publishing. I kind of just write about whatever I’m feeling. And the blog posts meander and go around in circles and don’t really come to any particular conclusion, but I think that’s okay.

I write blog posts because in a few years I want to read my old posts and remember the person I was. I feel my self constantly changing and it’s hard to remember the person I was even a month ago. I want to live in the present, but I also want to remember who I was, where I’ve come from, and what I have overcome and accomplished to get to where I am.

So yeah. That’s why these blog posts are very informal and kind of purposeless. Eh.

the one about periods, because I can.

Surprise! It’s a super special mid-week blog post. Crazy right? I can’t believe I’m writing this either. It’s 11pm on Monday night and I just feel like writing something. So I am.

Today I wanna talk about… periods. Don’t be shocked, almost every human with a vagina experiences or has experienced periods in their life. It’s a natural bodily function and nothing to shy away from addressing.

There are three main ways to deal with a period.

Option number one: Pads. Pads are useful for when you’re feeling lazy and your flow isn’t too insane. I used to only use pads, and now I almost never use pads by themselves for two simple reasons: 1) I hate the feeling of blood exiting my vagina and 2) I wear leggings almost every day. As a dancer, I have to give extra care to my methods of ~fluid~ collection because aside from the clothing situation, there’s also a lot of sweat and a lot of weird positions that your body might end up in. Also, I find it very difficult to feel “clean” wearing pads. Possessors of vaginas, you know what I mean.

Option number two: Tampons. Tampons, in my opinion, are MUCH more useful than pads. While pads allow all the crap to gush out of you and do a measly job at protecting your underpants from the aftermath, tampons actually prevent your flow from leaving your vagina (when they work properly). Tampons can be much more discreet than pads which make them great for leggings, leotards, etc. However, tampons definitely aren’t perfect so I always wear a pantiliner (or even a full pad if I’m not leaving the house) in combination with them. Personally, I’m quite comfortable with using tampons and find them to work very well – except for three major exceptions. 1) Tampons put you at risk of toxic shock syndrome, so you can only wear them for 8 hours. This means that when I wear tampons to sleep, I have to be very meticulous about setting my alarm and I expend a lot of nervous energy worrying about getting TSS. Plus I’m automatically limited to sleeping less than 8 hours a night. 2) Tampons create a lot of WASTE! Every time you use a tampon, you throw away the wrapper, applicator, and the tampon itself wrapped in toilet paper. That’s a lot of waste generated over the course of a period and a lot of wasted money spent restocking tampons every month. 3) TAMPONS HAVE SCARY CHEMICALS AND CRAP IN THEM! You can read this article or research others like it and see how SCARY it is that we insert these wads of chemical-laced cotton into our vaginas for 5-7 days every month! I once accidentally bought a pack of scented tampons, but by the time I realized they were scented, I had already opened the box and it was too late to return them. I wasn’t going to waste my money so I used the tampons anyway… and months later after I had stopped using them my vagina still smelled like some damn roses! It’s creepy and terrifying to think about the potential danger I put my body in every time I use tampons.

So, this brings me to option number three: MENSTRUAL CUPS. Let me tell you, menstrual cups are a wonderful, wonderful product of human innovation. I first heard about them on YouTube where women sang the praises of this safe, medical-grade silicone cup that sits in your vagina and collects your blood without doing anything to disturb the delicate ecosystem of your nether regions. Essentially, it works by creating a suction around your cervix, so when the blood leaves your cervix it gets collected in the cup. Later, you remove the cup, dump its contents into the toilet, rinse it out, and reinsert it. Since the cup is reusable and you flush the collected fluids down the toilet, virtually no waste is produced AND you don’t have to spend money on single-use menstrual products every month. I will say that there is quite a steep learning curve to using the cup, and I’ve only used it for one cycle so far, but I definitely think it is WORTH IT to at least try out. Menstrual cups are so much better for your body, the environment, and your peace of mind since you don’t have to worry about toxic shock syndrome! Also, menstrual cups come in all different shapes and sizes so you can find a cup that works well with your personal anatomy. Check out the links to resources and information on menstrual cups below! (Also feel free to ask me any questions you may have about menstrual cups. I may do a separate post on my personal experience using a menstrual cup later.)

The video above does a great job explaining how menstrual cups work and how to use them! This quiz helped me to determine which cup to try out.

So TECHNICALLY those are the three main options for menstrual care, but I also want to point out one more option: reusable cloth menstrual pads. I personally haven’t done much research on this (yet), but I definitely will in the future and you should too! Reusable pads allow you to save money on pads AND protect yourself from all the nasty chemicals and crap in pads that go right up against your skin. This YouTube channel is a good starting point for learning about cloth pads; you can also use Google to find various forums. Also, I know there are some shops on Etsy that sell cloth pads, or you can even make your own.

Alright, that’s it for me. It’s 11:44pm now and I need to finish my readings, shower, and sleep. Goodnight y’all! Have good periods and good lives.

February Goals

It’s February.

The semester is still fresh and I’m making lots of commitments. January was pretty good, let’s make February even better.

Here are my goals for February:

  1. Write a first draft of my play and submit a proposal to second season. I am working with a lovely human being on developing a play about identity, its significance, and how we define it. It’s going to be super exciting! I’m actually excited to write this. I’m hoping to have a completed first draft (even if it’s very rough) by the 12th, which is when the second season proposal is due.
  2. Apply to be a choreographer for a musical. This basically consists of a single email I need to send; I just haven’t done it yet because I’m not sure how to make a choreography/dance resume. My goal is to get this done today, heh heh heh. (Note from me the day after this was written: I did get this done yesterday! Woohoo!)
  3. Make two new friends. This is going to be hard, lol. Honestly I have no idea how to go about this or how to quantify it.
  4. Upload a digital painting to Instagram! I haven’t posted on my art insta since January 6th.
  5. Make progress on my comic! I’ve been reading a lot of Line Webtoons lately and I had an idea for a romance webcomic 🙂 I’ve started planning the story a little bit, the next steps (and my goals for this month) are to finish my first draft of the story and develop the character designs!

Hmm. I think that’s enough goals for this month 🙂

I’ve been having some very mixed feelings lately. At certain times I feel very happy, content, and hopeful. I feel like this semester has potential to be really amazing if I put in the work and don’t slack off. For example, there are multiple creative projects I’m working on and things I’m applying for. I hope to get better at connecting with people and building relationships because those connections are essential to finding opportunities to do creative work. Also, I just want to have more friends and deeper friendships. Getting a job to make money is another goal of mine, but I’m ok with pushing that to either this semester or this summer.

Here’s hoping this month and this semester go swimmingly 🙂

2 photos this week! This one is an awesome dance show I saw with my lovely friends! The Instagram post below is because our technique class got to do a fun mini performance!

View this post on Instagram


A post shared by Hana Huie (@mighty_jalapeno) on