fail!

Ayo sis. It’s been a month since I last posted on this blog. I own up to my mistake! I also own up to the fact that I have been swamped with work these past few weeks. Posting on this blog just isn’t a priority so I neglected doing it.

I could only find written records of two new year’s resolutions for 2018 from myself to myself. 1) Write a blog post every week and 2) make 3 YouTube videos related to theatremaking. I am 0% complete on the latter. As for writing a blog post every week, I will make up the ones I missed! I promise!

Although it really doesn’t matter because I know for a fact that no one reads this blog. Oh well, I would like to keep updating it anyway because my life is so unironically interesting. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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so many things!

Hi! So tonight I’m pretty overwhelmed because I have about 5 million things I have to do and think about and I honestly just want to get this post over with so I can focus on those things. So here’s a roundup of some random things that I did this week:

  • watched my old ballet company’s performance of Sleeping Beauty!
  • practiced an audition song with my wonderful wonderful amazing friend Emily 🙂 I’m 85% sure I’m doing “Maybe This Time” but I might do something from Aida if I can’t get into the phrasing of “Maybe This Time” well enough. We’ll see!
  • Picked up my flute again because I’m going to an audition where they asked us to play something if we play an instrument
  • performed in an important dance piece! it was an experience. and my dance teachers gave such nice feedback afterwards!
  • laughed and giggled too much with Anna 🙂
  • had great talks with some of my dance teachers
  • ate avocado sushi that my mom made and brought to campus for me!
  • went to my first tap class! in converse lol
  • went to a new play workshop showcase!! saw an awesome 10-minute play about an adopted straight-A’s Asian girl who meets her drag queen math teacher in an NYC subway station. It was everything.

I’m pretty sure there’s more, but I’m going to end the recap there because It’s getting late and I have things to do. More to come next week! Thanks for reading!

tired

Tonight I imagined what it would be like to die. It certainly is not a new or unfamiliar thought, but as the scenarios played out in my mind, two things stood out to me. My laptop and phone were both password-protected and on my person.

If I were to die tonight, to disappear into the void, to be found lifeless behind a dumpster or tossed into a lake, I would grieve not for myself, but for all the things that I never finished. There would be so much wasted potential. So many words unspoken and unread, songs unsung, art unfinished, dances unchoreographed. No one would ever see my writing, the writing that sometimes is the only thing that makes me feel better and that I treasure in a little folder on my computer that no one else’s eyes have seen. In these writings I have captured vignettes of my life that explode in brazen nakedness. They mean more to me than the world and I could not leave this earth without properly sharing them.

One year ago, I thought about dying every day. I could see no reason to carry on in life, no hope for my or this planet’s future. And the question plagued me for months – what makes a person excited to live life? What reasons do I have to live? And ultimately it came down to one answer: there are so many amazing Broadway shows that I still have to see. It started with just that – my unfinished business of seeing all the amazing art that real human beings were creating.

And tonight I realized that my answer has grown, evolved, matured, ripened into one beautiful, life-giving statement of purpose and being and existence: there is so much art to see, taste, and experience; so much of humanity to explore; and so much amazing art that I still have to create.

this is an informal blog

Hi. I don’t really have anything to say this week. But I committed to doing a blog post every week, so here I am, doing a blog post.

I know that a lot of people who have personal blogs like this write pretty polished blog posts. They’re usually writing to get a point across and they convey it clearly and concisely.

Well, I don’t. Heh heh heh.

I don’t really enjoy writing super opinionated, argument-driven blog posts because I consider my blog to be more of a form of self-expression rather than self-publishing. I kind of just write about whatever I’m feeling. And the blog posts meander and go around in circles and don’t really come to any particular conclusion, but I think that’s okay.

I write blog posts because in a few years I want to read my old posts and remember the person I was. I feel my self constantly changing and it’s hard to remember the person I was even a month ago. I want to live in the present, but I also want to remember who I was, where I’ve come from, and what I have overcome and accomplished to get to where I am.

So yeah. That’s why these blog posts are very informal and kind of purposeless. Eh.

February Goals

It’s February.

The semester is still fresh and I’m making lots of commitments. January was pretty good, let’s make February even better.

Here are my goals for February:

  1. Write a first draft of my play and submit a proposal to second season. I am working with a lovely human being on developing a play about identity, its significance, and how we define it. It’s going to be super exciting! I’m actually excited to write this. I’m hoping to have a completed first draft (even if it’s very rough) by the 12th, which is when the second season proposal is due.
  2. Apply to be a choreographer for a musical. This basically consists of a single email I need to send; I just haven’t done it yet because I’m not sure how to make a choreography/dance resume. My goal is to get this done today, heh heh heh. (Note from me the day after this was written: I did get this done yesterday! Woohoo!)
  3. Make two new friends. This is going to be hard, lol. Honestly I have no idea how to go about this or how to quantify it.
  4. Upload a digital painting to Instagram! I haven’t posted on my art insta since January 6th.
  5. Make progress on my comic! I’ve been reading a lot of Line Webtoons lately and I had an idea for a romance webcomic 🙂 I’ve started planning the story a little bit, the next steps (and my goals for this month) are to finish my first draft of the story and develop the character designs!

Hmm. I think that’s enough goals for this month 🙂

I’ve been having some very mixed feelings lately. At certain times I feel very happy, content, and hopeful. I feel like this semester has potential to be really amazing if I put in the work and don’t slack off. For example, there are multiple creative projects I’m working on and things I’m applying for. I hope to get better at connecting with people and building relationships because those connections are essential to finding opportunities to do creative work. Also, I just want to have more friends and deeper friendships. Getting a job to make money is another goal of mine, but I’m ok with pushing that to either this semester or this summer.

Here’s hoping this month and this semester go swimmingly 🙂

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2 photos this week! This one is an awesome dance show I saw with my lovely friends! The Instagram post below is because our technique class got to do a fun mini performance!

 

a weekend wrap-up

I don’t really feel like writing a blog post today. So here’s a lazy list of some things that happened this week.

  • went to a wig (and bald cap!) workshop
  • finished working in the costume shop
  • started classes
  • my first technique class went pretty well
  • my first afro-modern class was challenging and interesting
  • went to a dance audition… thought it went pretty decently
  • ate an entire can of honey roasted nuts
  • met up with old friends
  • got encouraging emails from my awesome cousin
  • drank a protein shake
  • read some sappy webtoons
  • read about experimental theatre
  • read a truly disturbing play
  • woke up early (before my alarm) everyday
  • got some compliments on my new haircut
  • questioned my faith and beliefs
  • started planning out a comic
  • stressed about my living situation
  • walked home alone

Today I got lunch with my aunts and grandma since they were near campus. It was lovely because I haven’t seen them in a while. We went to Franklin’s and I got this delicious portobello burger with goat cheese; we also had some amazing, humongous beer-battered onion rings. I don’t get to see my relatives very often, and when I do, I’m usually with my immediate family so it was really nice to talk to them just as myself rather than as part of a family unit. Does that make sense?

Afterwards we went back to my aunt’s house and I got to see her cat. He has some luscious black fur and is super friendly – he behaves almost like a dog! There was some fun talk about cats and then I had to leave to see a show – the 35th Annual Choreographers’ Showcase. It was pretty good, though sometimes I tire of seeing modern dance pieces trying to be edgy over and over again. I also was a little bit concerned about how “white” the whole affair seemed… It might just have been me, but most of the performers, audience, and people in charge were white………… and the two pieces with black performers were about being black. One of them seemed to be about the horrific aspects of being a black person in modern America, and it made me sad and angry that this country is still such a mess, and that I am probably not doing enough to revolt against the system. I was kind of surprised since I was expecting the pieces themselves to be diverse, but they were pretty much either all black or all white… but maybe I’m just being too sensitive to race. BUT STILL: where are all the Asian Americans slaying the performing arts? Heh.

Anyway, now I’m back at my dorm enjoying this rare moment of solitude. And I will eat some instant noodles and watch YouTube or read comics to celebrate it.

Hope you all had a great week~

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Me as a baldy! Thank you Kristen for your mad skillz. I’m very proud of my resemblance to Captain Picard. ❤

the last day of break.

Today is Saturday, January 20, 2018. It is my last full day of winter break; I head back to campus tomorrow night. It is 3:37 PM and I am sitting at our kitchen island. I am listening to the sounds of my laundry in the wash while my brother plays Breath of the Wild and my mother works on her sermon in the next room over. Sunlight streams through our dusty windows creating a beautiful dispersion effect through the room and I am eating kettle corn.

I’ve done and thought about a lot this week; after lounging around at home for the whole break I spent this week working full days at my school’s costume shop. Though it was a lot of work, I learned a lot and enjoyed meeting and working with the people there. I am no longer afraid of sewing machines, riding the metro alone, or asking for help. I have an appreciation for waking up early, working hard, and doing creative work, and I think I have gained a better understanding of the daily working grind that comes along with an awful commute as well as priorities outside of work life.

There are a lot of occurrences from this week that I could write about, but I probably will not because I feel that they require a much greater depth of reflection than I am willing to give right now. Perhaps eventually they will make their way into something I create.

What else did I do this week? I started reading webcomics on Line Webtoons and Tapas. To be completely honest, they are kind of trashy – but reading them is like indulging in an overly dramatic reality show or two extra slices of pumpkin pie. I read one this morning about a girl who was sent a human boy hatched out of an egg so she wouldn’t be lonely… heh heh heh.

Anyway, on the topic of school starting up this week, I don’t feel very anxious (which is good). I’m more just hoping that I will embrace discomfort so that I can accomplish my goals. I often gravitate towards comfort (for example, sleeping in, snoozing my alarm, laying in bed watching YouTube, eating sugary snacks) but I’ve realized that even during a week like this past week where I had to wake up at 6:30am and got home so late that I had only one or two hours to indulge in lazy Internet video watching, I felt no less satisfied than when I had 12 hours of sleep and 9 hours to lazily watch Internet videos. In fact, I probably felt more satisfied because I had more time away from screens and that helped me to be more mindful and present. Furthermore, I found that no matter how many videos I watched or hours I spent doing comfortable, entertaining things, I didn’t feel happier or more fulfilled afterwards. While I do get inspired from watching YouTube videos and looking at new things on the Internet and whatnot, after a certain threshold, I experience no increase in satisfaction, happiness, or inspiration.

All this to say, when school starts, I hope that I wake up early and instantly and embrace discomfort whether through eating healthily, working out, or choosing to work on homework or side projects instead of mindless media consumption. Woohoo.

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Here’s a screenshot of an enlightening tweet for no reason other than the fact that I think it’s INTERESTING!!!!! Okay goodbye and have a nice day.