I’m going to tell you about something that is a bit silly and a bit embarrassing, but also an undeniable part of who I am.
I attach meaning to things in an incredibly subjective and almost arbitrary way. I ruminate on those meanings, and ruminate, and ruminate, and ruminate, and ruminate, and ruminate until I am able to articulate those meanings and they suddenly become less significant than they were before.
I live on excitement. When it’s 1:00 am and I am dead tired and I have work to do and I would really rather just disappear into the void, I watch videos of Broadway divas slaying the stage until excitement bubbles up inside of me so excessively and uncontrollably that it crowds out any of the lackluster fatigue and nothingness that actually dwells there. It’s a choking feeling that comes from the inside that sends me into convulsions of excitement.
I am obsessive. I live for things and they rule my mind and I let them. I listen to the same album for weeks on repeat without listening to any other music. Those lyrics loop through my head and rule my thoughts the instant I wake up and while I walk to class, shower, brush my teeth, do homework – I become the obsession and it becomes me and I become unsure of who or what I am. Am I an idea? a thought? an action? Am I whatever I believe or want myself to be? Am I the thoughts that run through my mind? Or am I nothing at all, and do these things that I give meaning to comprise who I am? Is it the meaning that creates my identity?
Collegiate existential crises are so cliche but honestly, at this point, they aren’t even crises anymore. I am just a big ball of existential questions and I’m learning to be okay with not knowing the answers. This goes for my future as well. It would be no fun at all to know exactly where I’ll end up in 10 years, so I’m just taking it one day at a time. Even if the days lead me to a cardboard box under a bridge, or the dreaded office job that so many creatives shun.
All this to say, I am thoroughly obsessed with Steven Universe – yes, the children’s cartoon show on Cartoon Network. I would explain to you why I’m so obsessed with it but then my obsession would be logical and reason-based and it would no longer be an obsession. I would be a third-party viewer of the obsession, and I am currently enjoying being wholly submerged in it. I have no desire to lift my head above the water to reason with myself about it. Besides – explaining an obsession generally entails explaining the arbitrary meaning I attach to that thing, and I feel these meanings too deeply to be comfortable wrapping them up in boxes with neat little bows of explanations.
Here’s a list of Steven Universe things that make my heart swell up with bubbly obsession:
- Filipina actors
- Deedee Magno Hall’s voice
- Rebecca Sugar’s voice
- “Love Like You”
- “What’s the Use in Feeling Blue”
- Patti LuPone as a guest star
- Susan Egan’s voice and she is a real life goddess
- I love Pearl more than anything
- “Peace and Love on the Planet Earth”
- Peridot’s character arc
- Just everything about Garnet
- Garnet’s songs
- Pink and blue color schemes
- Star eyes
- The entire “Mr. Greg” episode
- Honestly just every single scene or song with Pearl in it
- Rebecca Sugar is from the same area I’m from, so there are a lot of subconscious elements in the show that just feel like home to me
- Handling complex themes in a kids’ show that is really helpful to me as a college student
- The art is so so so beautiful
- Badass and complex female characters
Well, I wrote about why I didn’t want to explain my obsession or quantify it into words but I did it anyway. Hmm. This list is infinitely incomplete and forever expanding – so it is just a list of a few things that are in my head right now. No explanations on what those things are or what they mean to me.
“Life and death and love and birth and peace and war on the planet Earth. Is there anything that’s worth more than peace and love on the planet Earth?”